How not to be a douche bag – Top 10 ways

How not to be a douche bag

How not to be a douche bag

This is one of my favorite post, How not to be a douche bag – Top 10 ways

How not to be a douche bag

  1. Buying a Porsche Boxster – This just screams that you want a 911 but couldn’t quite pull it off…the only way you should own a Porsche Boxster is because you already have a 911 Turbo AND your best friend sold you his Boxster for $3 so their bitch soon to be x-wife/husband cant get to it. Otherwise stay away.
  2. Getting offended cause somebody called you a *** (the derogatory term for your race/gender/creed). For me this is nigger. First you can think what you want to about me and call me whatever you want to. Secondly this term means a stupid black person. I’m not that so it really does not bother me. For Example: If I said I hate Coca-Cola do you think Pepsi would get mad? No, the only people who would get “mad” are people who have a vested interest in Coca-Cola. Likewise, if somebody calls me a nigger then the only way I could get mad is if I was…..you guessed it a stupid black person. If this is brain overload then I suggest you read my Privacy and Legal statement….Ill paraphrase it for the lazy: This website is for Sarcastic People. Meaning people who are smart and have a since of humor.
  3. Buying anything that has Axe written on it. Axe
  4. Buying a shirt that has Affliction, Tap-out, Ed-Hardy or any of those other douche bag (Big Johnson) shirts and thinking you’re a bad ass because of it.
  5. PETA: PETA members believe that animals should have the same rights as people…I don’t have a problem with this, but if you want to talk about giving human rights to animals then PETA should lobby to ban PBS and BBC, just yesterday I saw a wild cheetah pursuit and kill a gazelles. These gangster cheetahs with their fast reactions and sharp claws need to be hunted down, tried and put through the judiciary system under Geneva Convention rules. Gazelles have families and children too, this is an outrage! PETA if your want to give the same rights to animals as humans, then go hunt down all the cheetahs and any other animal on the planet that has ever hunted and killed another animal. Murder and Cannibalism is outlawed in the human race so this applies to animals too.  I bet the ACLU would stop that :\.
  6. Sagging Pants: If you’re over the age of 23 and you are not a performer (Performer meaning your sagging your pants to get other young douch bags to buy your stuff. This is marketing not douchebaggery) and you are still sagging your pants then you’re a douche bag.sagging-pants
  7. Spray on Tan – Black is the new White. If you’re white then you just going to have to get use being out of vogue. Spraying on anything is not going to help you.douche-bags-tanHow not to be a douche bag

  8. Excess Tattoos – Personally I can’t stand them. One or two yeah maybe, you were 18 or just divorced or in pen, you have somewhat of an excuse. Doing it just because your “artsy” or some crap…you’re a douche bag. Talk to me when you turn 75 years old and it looks like somebody smeared ground up olives on you, if you even live that long. At least these douche bags don’t have spray on  tans and usually they are not a part of PETA. So I guess there is justice in douche baggery.excessive tatoo face
  9. If your collar is popped or your full of vinegar then you’re a douche bag.popped-collar-much
  10. Follow the douche bag flow chart for all others.

flowchart

Bonus i’m including the bacon flowchart free of charge.

bacon-flowchart

And for Pete’s sake please tell all your friends How not to be a douche bag.

About The Author

Charles Lloyd

Self processed fitness missionary and author of most of the ridiculous fitness articles written on Charles Lloyd Fitness.com. I am not really a writer, but a workout fiend who happens to have a blog. The single mission of this website is very simple: Get You In Shape. I have been blessed with the gift of good health and want to share it with you. Join Me.

27 Comments

  • Julie

    March 20, 2009

    dude, this is hella funny. and thanks for giving me an out on my tattoo!!!

  • Charles Lloyd

    March 21, 2009

    I think I wrote this while you were in Vegas

  • Andrew

    March 24, 2009

    Hahahaha, that was awesome. “Bonus i’m including the bacon flowchart free of charge.” I would have paid you for that.

  • Charles Lloyd

    March 25, 2009

    Most blogs would have charged for that, but not here. That is how we roll

  • Maplin

    March 28, 2009

    Love the blog design, and thanks for the info 🙂

  • Charles Lloyd

    April 6, 2009

    No problem

  • Dbad

    June 22, 2009

    this is almost the largest crock of shit i have stumbled upon in a long time.. I feel stupid just for reading. boooo to the one who thought this up…

  • Charles Lloyd

    June 22, 2009

    Do you encompass most of these? Why not leave your real name and email.

  • cooperp

    July 18, 2009

    yes,theres some nice tattoos here!

  • Charles Lloyd

    July 19, 2009

    Wonderful aren’t they

  • How to Tattoo

    September 30, 2009

    “This FULL Course is not found anywhere else, This is what you need if you want to be a successful tattoo artist!

  • geckotattoo

    November 21, 2009

    Thank you for this great information!

  • tattookid

    November 21, 2009

    yes,theres some nice tattoos here!

  • Brian S

    February 2, 2010

    Right on. It should be published in every school for the next 100 years.

  • Brad

    April 8, 2010

    Charles – This is hilarious. Bacon flow chart is awesome.

  • Charles Lloyd

    April 8, 2010

    Thanks Brad, Oh and congrats on your promo in Beachbody!

  • Tuggin

    August 11, 2010

    Ummm I dont know if anyone noticed but these seem like the top 10 ways to be a douche bag not the top ten ways “how not be a douche bag”.

  • Russ

    February 15, 2011

    #7 is awesome!!! Spray on tans… lol

  • Evan

    June 14, 2011

    Your last sentence cracks me up.

    “Meaning people who are smart and have a since of humor.” You refer to smart, but use the wrong word 4 words later……it’s sEnse of humor.

  • Charles Lloyd

    June 14, 2011

    Yep. The whole article reads like that done in purpose. Comma splices especially! 😉

  • No Name

    December 18, 2011

    Hahhaha what a fucking idiot!! “This website is for Sarcastic People. Meaning people who are smart and have a since of humor.” IT’S SPELLED S E N S E…LOL!!! This just made my day.

  • Charles Lloyd

    December 24, 2011

    You are the only person to catch that since 2008. “No Name” does not really help hide your identity because your IP is still showing.

  • Kelly

    February 10, 2012

    Loved this!

  • Drew

    May 31, 2012

    Enjoy the site. I’ve done P90X/P90X2 and working on Insanity. “This sh*t is bananas!!”

    Gotta love it. Keep training!

  • Charles Lloyd

    May 31, 2012

    Yeah no kidding drew, I would go as far as saying its bat $H!( crazy though :p

  • Jason Turner

    January 17, 2013

    I’ve been a douche bag for a long time. It seems I’m getting worse. I have really accomplished little in life yet i find myself judging those around me. I’m a failure in my first marriage and am realizing its my fault. I’m not sure why I’d act like an arrogant douche bag considering I’ve been lying to those around me to impress them. All my friends at one time or another have told me I’m pathetic and need help. I am starting to see it. I can only guess that I need help. I’m really not sure what to do or where to seek help. Can anyone help me? Email me at jason_turner@gwinnett.k12.ga.us with any advice. I need to do something.

  • Mike

    September 4, 2013

    If you want to be taken seriously, how about learning the proper context of “your” vs “you’re” first?

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